Thursday, September 18, 2008

Your team Sucks!

That's right! Your team sucks! They won't go to the Playoffs and I'll tell you why!

New Jersey Devils- The Devils will miss the Playoffs because the ESPN Hockey "guru" said so. Also Marty might go down hurt or perform in the regular season like he did last post season. Despite adding Brian Rolston still not enough scoring!
New York Islanders- The Islanders will miss the Playoffs because the new coach won't be ready for the Big spotlight of the NHL. Also Mark Streit will pout and be a grump when they make him play forward instead of D.
New York Rangers- The Rangers will miss the playoffs because they lost 3 of their biggest producers. Now that Avery is gone, the Devils will beat them up while Colton Orr cries.
Philadelphia Flyers- The Flyers will miss the Playoffs after coming out strong at the beginning of the season. Then the Injury Ninja will attack. First it will be Biron going down. After a quick scramble Robert Esche will return just in time to prove he hasn't learned anything playing over seas. Then the team will lose just because we all know that Philly teams are pre-dispossessed to blow it in the end just to piss off their fans!
Pittsburgh Penguins- The Pens will be lost when Malkin is kept in Russia over some crappy little visa issue. Then Crosby will go down with a broken leg again. But Ryan Malone will step up.....Oh Wait! No. Gary Roberts! He'll step up.....oh yeah. Well Then the Pens score about 55 points in the standings and draft Tavares as #1 over all next year!
Boston Bruins- Tim Thomas is their starting goal tender. Is that enough reason? Thought so!
Buffalo Sabres- Because they are the Sabres and their fans deserve better. That's why. But Drury and Briere will be dynamite! Just not in Buffalo!
Montreal Canadiens- Les Habs will miss the playoffs when Carey Price proves he's really just Patrick Lalime in disguise. Too many forwards with not enough playing time will destroy the locker room chemistry.
Ottawa Senators- Gerber plays net. Ruutu and Alfredsson jailed after spirited argument of Sweden vs. Finland. AHL call ups not enough to save playoff hopes.
Toronto Maple Leafs- Mark Bell "Falls off the Wagon" brings Jeff Finger and Vesa Toskala along for "GTA 5: Hit and Run".
Atlanta Thrashers- Kozlov and Kovalchuk fax copies of new KHL contracts back to Atlanta with "HA HA HA!" written on them
Carolina Hurricanes- OK. More seriously. Roddy B and Justin Williams never quite return from injuries and surgeries and never see the NHL roster this season.
Florida Panthers- After losing Jokinen in that trade the Jokes one them. They never regain anything resembling an offense and are done before they begin.
Tampa Bay Lightning- Vincent LeCavillier is benched after his refusal to grow the "Mandatory team mullet". the "C" sewn onto Barry Melrose's suit jacket as he's not used to talking without an embroidered logo on his jacket.
Washington Capitals- Four words- Jose Theodore in net.
Chicago Blackhawks- Left holding the Khabi-bag they make zero moves for more NHL quality forwards. the Kids and Sharp score the only team goals.
Columbus Blue Jackets- Ken Hitchcock shaves off the mustache, loses all power. Rick Nash demands trade.
Detroit Red Wings- Lidstrom's less than physical play exposed, Conklin and Osgood pay the price. Still not as big as Hossa being KO'ed by Dustin Byfuglien's left shoulder. Game over, man! GAME OVER!
Nashville Predators- Talent fire saled as the team attempts to sneak out of town for the greener pasures of Kansas City.
St Louis Blues- Keith Tkachuk eats all of the team's food one day during training camp. The Resulting brawl leaves 3 hurt, and 1 critically hurt Manny Legace.
Calgary Flames- As Kiprosoff loses his game and lets too many goals go by, the team actually falls asleep on the bench watching their own boring play style.
Colorado Avalanche- Budaj or Raycroft? Which one would you rather point fingers at?
Edmonton Oilers- Gretzky, Messier, Fuhr, and a Stanley Cup Ring all sold to LA for Pocklington's grand children.
Minnesota Wild- Demitra and Rolston don't resign and....OH WAIT!
Vancouver Canucks- Play tired after waiting up all night for secret crush Mats Sundin to return calls.
Anaheim Ducks- Owner jailed for fraud. Team sold back to Disney who names Gordon Bombay as head coach.
Dallas Stars- Mr. Drama-Sean Avery-gets into locker room ruckus with Marty Turco taking both players out for the season. Avery hangs around in the locker room talking about how awesome Vogue is.
Los Angeles Kings- After trading Kopitar for Khabibulin on accident their Play Off time golf tee time is solidified in concrete!
Phoenix Coyotes- Gretzky loses control and respect from the team after temper tantrum over not leading the league in goals, assists, or points.
San Jose Sharks- New Coach's "I'm Okay, You're Okay!" philosophy not bought into by team.

And that's why your team sucks and won't make it to the Playoffs!
The truth is I have no real knowledge on whether or not your team is gonna make the playoffs. There's so many things that could or could not let them make it that it's hard to really call. It's all guesstimations. So enjoy the season....unless you're a Wings fan. No one likes a show off!

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