Thursday, July 7, 2011

What's left?

From Stan Bowman's super secret to-do list:

1.Dump Campbell's retarded contract
2. Pick the most NHL ready looking player in the draft
3. Get rid of Troy Brouwer
4. Get bigger Blackhawks to fill roster
5. Sign "WTF!?!?!?" player
6. Crank call Dale Tallon and ask if he's interested in Toews before giggling and hanging up
7. Let Flyers in on Bobby Clarke's secretly Paul Holmgren joke. (maybe wait until November?)
8. Call Detroit and ask them if Rafalski will be logging all of that ice time again this year
9. Call St Louis and remind them to dry clean their Stanley Cup banners for opening day. Act surprised when they say they don't have any.
10. Call Nashville and ask them if they still have Peter Forsberg or any of the mess he made of their future.
11. Rest on Laurels.
12. Rest on Hardies.
13. Call Doug Wilson and ask him if he seriously just traded a DUI for an IR. Act shocked.
14. Talk to dad. Pretend to listen to story about the year they got screwed by the refs and lost to Philly. Remind him your team got screwed by the refs AND BEAT Philly and won a Cup.
15. Call Brian Burke ask him how excited he was to get Brad Richards. Tell him you didn't know that. You were accidentally out of the country on free agent day.
16. Call Paul Holmgren and ask if he wants to unload any more proven talent for a handful of bullshit and promises.
17. Announce Claude Giroux trade.
18. Send obscenely ridiculous offer sheet to Stankos just to fuck with Stevie Y.
19. Call city of Glendale just to make sure as sure can be that the Coyotes will be playing there before buying plain tickets.
20. Tell Eddie O. his game analysis skills have been traded to Winnipeg. Post his breakdown on YouTube.
21. Call Montreal and demand Price and Kostitsyn while screaming in German.
22. Call Minnesota and ask if they'd be willing to throw in some hotdish on that Johnsson for Barker trade. If they say no beg for Juicy Lucy.
23. Remind Brunette he'll have to play in April and May now. Assure him that there is in fact hockey in April and May.
24. Call Kevin Lowe ask him who he's going to draft #1 overall next summer.
25. Call George McPhee tell him you understand cap crunch. Tell him if it would help them out would be willing to take Ovechkin off their hands.
26. Call Ottawa just to chat about Alexander Daigle's progress. Try not to snicker too much.
27. Thank Lou Lamoriello for making that contract you gave Campbell not look as ridiculous last Summer.
28. See if Colorado would be interested in Cristobel Huet.
29. Introduce new bargaining chip Semyon Varlamov.
30. Trade Varlamov.
31. Tell Sather it's really too bad they just let Drury go, because you would have given him a 1st round draft pick in trade.
32. Call Detroit. Tell them bullshit.

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